Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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