I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
