70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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