Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
