I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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