put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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