We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize