my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
