our cab driver is having phone sex.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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