dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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