I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
