The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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