I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
