So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
