1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
