I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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