12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this boner is exhausting
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i came on her dog
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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