I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
