there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
