2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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