dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
