Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
