i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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