When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
