my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
