I haven't been this sober since birth.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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