I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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