Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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