i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
