I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i think i just naturally attract stoners
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
