Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
