Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
