im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize