Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
