My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
