so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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