Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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