We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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