life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
