I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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