I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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