I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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