I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
