I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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