i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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