it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
