So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
