My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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