dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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