I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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