My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just blew my weed a kiss
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
