What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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