I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
