did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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