4 words: hood of his car
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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