ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize