they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can I color on your dick again?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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