I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
