My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
