Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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