He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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